Well it wasn't a telling off, it was a very good meeting. I just didn't like being told I drink too much coffee, tea, and smoke too many cigarettes! (Beer and wine as well fall into this category, however it only takes a couple of blond beers to make me fall over). It was very realistic. The drugs won't work well without getting a grip on these stimulants.

I spent the rest of the day in a huff. Very huffed for me, and quite sorry I let my bad habits get out of hand without realising it. I have already swithched to rooibos tea, although decided I wanted just one coffee this morning. Snaff. I hate being this good, I like having bad things for me obviously. Anyone would think I seriously overdo these things, it's just I have very little metabolic tolerance for them.

I can say I slept until past 9am this morning so the lack of coffee and tea as a stimulus definately improves my actual sleep. The psychiatrist told me I was in denial about being Bi-Polar, and that I was hanging on to the idea that I was creative because I am Bi-Polar. He said that I was unquestionably more creative regardless of being Bi-polar and that I was not expected to get myself in the same state, regardless of outside pressures.

He was right of course, I can't blame circumstances and pressures externally. It's how I react to them that govern my wellbeing. Snaf, snaf snaf snaf. Snaf and footstamp. I suppose It's just that I don't like the idea of being so grown up all the time.

Anyway, I have had to keep undoing this Jacket I am making, because I keep getting it wrong. It's the same process I suppose when I am putting myself back together. I have to accept the finished garment won't work or fit if I leave the mistakes and try to cobble something together that doesn't fit the grand design I have for it.

Still, after a while I do get and unpick the bits that haven't worked and re-work them properly. Perhaps I will be able to do the same with God's help over tha last few mistakes I made this year!

It is not realistic though of the psychiatrist to say that if I didn't do any of the above, and stuck to this straight jacket plan of zero stress, personal management drug therapy, and all the things I am supposed to do/not to do, that I would never have anther delusional episode. You can never say 'never'. Ther must be some small element of me that would simply buck the thought of it. Besides I wonder if anyone else could live in this kind of personal iron straitjacket, or is this just my addictive neurons waggling about in sheer terror at the thought of being given no mercy!

I have been back to look at these meditations over the last few days, and I think Reb Jeff has written a beautiful meditation for our times. I don't think you can actually add or detract anything from them. Rather like the original Ten Commandments themselves. Perhaps they are a new expression for our days present that speak more deeply to our own situation?

I like scripture, I find sometimes I look at a passage in my Bible and it seems to read completely differently to how I remember it before. Is it that Gods word changes for us as we heal and grow in his presence? I don't know. I just know this feeling and this bond, a sense of belonging and warmth. Of an awesome security. Of a sense of power and magesty beyond my comprehension. Being on first name terms, when I don't have a shred of 'right' to speak and listen to what I feel God says to me. I just feel like a child. Like I am growing up all over again, only this time I know who God is, when before I didn't.

You are probably wondering who I think God is then, and how we have those conversations. Well partly I think it has to do with me being Bi-Polar. I seem to lose the 'veil' of self that protects my mind from the infinate, ineffible, and a sense of immersion into the very being of God's presence. It's like being in the same moment in a black warm void where nothing exists except my own consciousness, and this sense of being encompassed in a warm darkness.

At other times it is like travelling beyond the speed of light through aeons of time and seeing the images of other eras, and the continuity of our human and planetory history flashing past me. Like being in a corridoor and travelling at unimaginable speed.

I loose my sense of self sometimes. This is always a bit dicy! Re-establishing my own identity s difficult when I have lost it completely. This is what my latest trip to the psychiatric ward has been about. I just 'went off on one' over about a 24 hour period, and was so 'high' there was no hope of getting back on terra firma without some extra medication, and the safety and process of psychiatric ward life for a couple of weeks.

It's going well. The new meds make my mouth dry, but in a sense I am functioning reasonalbly well with my feet on the ground. I don't have speed recall and I am just settling like a bird nesting. I can't put my hand to getting things done, and have basically come down of a megga high over 3 weeks without any ongoing dangers.

Strangely during these times I feel as though God is using me for something. Well I know He is. If that's how God want's to use me it's fine by me. During the time that I feel as though I have lost my sense of self, I seem to do creative things like pictures that have a kind of eternal meaning or purpose. It is like I am living within eternity itself and the construct of time itself ceases. I described it this time as having a kind of fractal complexity. That within each moment of time was infinately more time. The clock hands don't move around much when I am like this.

Oh well, I don't realy bother asking why, it just happens! The first times it happened I thought I was God Himself, but after a few episodes I realised this was not what was happening. I came to find that self membrane, the self containment within God's presence that meant my own identity could survive this experience without a long period of illness afterwards. I think it's wonderful. Also the drugs are better, and work quickly.

It is such a shame that psychiatric medicine and modern psychiatric care are not put on high agenda. For most patients there is still a perception of social stigma about having 'mental illness'. I just see it as our way of integrating our personality and selfhood, with our very existance. The general figures are about 1 in 4 people suffering with some kind of 'mental health' problems.

Gone are the days when it was the church's preserve to cast out those 'demons'.  I see the Roman Catholic Church still has a cheif excorsist! Citing Harry Potter Books to be the work of the devil no less. I do believe in a spiritual world, and one where there are spiritual entities that are 'unwholesome'.

Perhaps these are 'souls in purgatory'. Limned in our collective subconscious. Passed lives of our ancestors that we must re-live during our lifetime until we have reconciled their pain with our own suffering. To treat people with this kind of spiritual disturbance as the demonised is not very helpful. Better to help them reconcile with this subliminal nightmare and where it stems from than make them surpress it. It only pops up even more strongly in successive generations.

I am a bit sleepy today, so no more until tomorrow. 

A sweet and blessed sleep, and a refreshed day of purpose tomorrow.



 

Then against orders got in there and made some posts. I am supposed to be off any kind of stimulants right now. Yup, I am under full psychiatric oversight, and asked for my new medication to be increased a little bit more.

It is fairly good stuff, although makes me a bit thirsty. Tea and coffee are off the menue, obviously any alcohol. Not even a small blond beer! I got the rooibos tea out. Drach.

I spent today thinking about how I want to re-make this sheepskin coat and got my dressmakers dummy set up. I decided I wanted a sort of jerkin type top. I also want enough scraps to make some slippers. I bought a mink stole in the charity shop a couple of years ago for 8 quid, so I am thinking of using this too. I should have taken a picture of the coat before I started undoing it. It was just a bog standard back pleated mens sheepskin.

Oh well wish me luck, I just found the thread to sew it back up with so I am going to make a start.

Having had a fish and chip supper I feel like spouting on a bit about some ancient history. I thought starting with Marduk might be a good place.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marduk
Well obviously Abraham came from Ur and would have been very well aquainted with all the historama of the Gods of his land. This is why I don't find it surprising that the Golden Calf emerged from the fire at Sinai. It was a deep rooted subliminal memory of the Golden Astral Calf that emerged from their collective subconcious. God would have to let them see it to remember it, and then allow the process of rehabilitation to work it's way through the collective psyche of his chosen people in order to work a salvation for them.

This is the fish and chip version, so it's not going to be long.

Bear in mind that the Mesopotamian Gods were a lazy lot and expected humanity to work their buts off so they got an easy life. Abraham was called by the one true God to leave and make a journey to a land he was shown. Which he was shown. Then there is the bit in between up until the sacking of the Second Temple, was it AD 72, or AD74? It definately wasn't AD73!

Meanwhile this guy Jesus had already been seen off by all parties, John the Baptist actually being the cruicial witness, working on the basis of 'it takes one to know one'.
Who is greater the object person or the person who recognises the person?

That's the old mirror trick at work again. (I sometimes look in the mirror and think 'you look awful in that mirror', and then laugh because I don't feel awful!) I think 'that's my alter ego trying to piss me off'! It helps if you are barking mad already..... ha!

Anyway the Greeks were pretty good at pinching everyone elses Gods, what if this statue of the God Marduk had somehow found its way to Greece, and the story of Paul encouraging the Greeks to name Jesus as the name of the 'Unknown God'? This is why I have always been suspicious of Paul. To have considered such blatant idolatory as a Roman Jew with a full Jewish background would be unthinkable.

This verse is from Acts 17 v23. Within the passage it makes sense, however even unwittingly Paul has annexed this 'unknown God' statue into the Jesus story. Along possibly with the pantheon of Mesopotamian Gods and their historical abuse.

I am not entirely sure that the idea of Jesus being 'Christ' consciousness comes from judaic thought either, it seems more aligned with Buddist thinking. I am more concenrned that I have been accepting a christian doctrine based on identity theft of a genuine person, who in his life and the teachings I found in the Gospels led me back to the old testament, and made more sense to me by far in a modern Jewish commentary by Avivah Gotlieb Zeinberg.

That's why I don't think Paul could have been Jewish. I think he might have more likely been Asian/Turkish in his lineage. I also did a lot of research years ago and came up with loads of connections to the Herodeans by marriage for him. I might still have the links on my favorites page or in a folder somewhere. Paul definately bogged off to a sect in Persia for about three years after the Damascus thing from what I managed to put together.

So is the rest of the Bible a fabrication? No, I think the New Testament minus Paul's 'new doctrine for the church' and this character manipulation and identity theft business with the statue is, good stuff. I would also keep all of the original texts that we call the 'Old Testament'. This all 'adds up' for me.

I believe Jesus died for me, so that I might find a hotline relationship with God. One that doesn't need a mediator, and one that I can enter into without shame, reluctance, or any other reservation. God seems pretty reasonable to me. I get out of my relationship with him more than I put in, because He is God and He/She is infinate. I am not.

I am saved, and I know it. I am saved from making choices based on other peoples ideas and doctrines, and I am saved to thinking for myself, taking responsibility for myself, and doing something useful. Hopefully this is it, because I can't seem to find anything else to do right now.

I am especially saved tonight from watching the 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' drivvel my Husband is watching on TV downstairs!

I have aleady said what I think about Jesus. The funny thing is, here in our Jersey Parishes we call Jesus 'St Saviour'. I like this, because Jesus never made any direct claim to be the 'Son of God'. Others recognised this of Him, but he never said it outright, except for the woman at the well.

That woman could have been me. I was a very lost person until I asked Jesus to show me the way.

I wonder what the Christian Church would look like without Pauline Theology?

Right time for a cuppa and a roll up, yup... I am saved also from giving up smoking! It probably doesn't make my wheezy asthema any better, but I am sure not going to give up smoking all the while there is so much antagonism towards those of us who like a smoke. Anyway, we are less likely to get stomach cancer!

Sweet dreams, and a very blessed day tomorrow. I am thinking of all the OWS and similar movements all over the world having to keep warm in these colder days. Perhaps we could just dump all the cold weather on the bad guys and have a white out where people need to mend their ways? Better start a prayer chain for it, and all the other good things we need on this planet.

Sleep well, God bless everyone.

My Husband and I went to Oberammegau last year. We also went to visit Hitlers summer house on top of a mountain. I often have 'been here before' moments. It all seemed familiar from the ride up the mountain, the views, the lift in it's stifling packed press. I was imagining myself in a gas chamber instead of this brass lift. By the time I got to the top and outside again I was reaching for an asthema puffer.

My Husband decided to make the walk to the top of the rise above the villa. I filmed him doing it, and then decided I wanted to be there too. When I got there I found myself thinking, 'I needed to get above this place', to where the air was breathable again. I looked down on it and it didn't seem so disturbing any more. Who knows what past lives we may have had? I am still not sure if these are memories or I pick up memories that just seem to linger in places.

This evening we went to a lecture on document conservation at out local archive. I helped make Allepo Gall ink and it turned purple, I got some goose feathers too, so I will have a go at writing with them. Again I found this strangely familiar, also the smell and I found myself thinking of Nostradamus mixing his gum arabic into his mixture and looking into the resinous shiny surface of the ink before adding the iron. This is more so where I think he saw his visions, as it was mesmerising me. I thought of the word memnotic.

Perhaps the things we do, that have been done for generations release deep memories stored somewhere in genetic memories?

I would like to read the book I mentioned, and perhaps see this film footage.

I do think perhaps we deal with evil within our society in the name of mammon. This idolatory of wealth that does not see the suffering of the person we have taken sustanance from their love for life, love for others, and love for the labour they give to others. Franklin J Roosevelt was it who said 'time is money'?

If I have all the time I want, I must be very rich! I am off for supper.

I just caught a snip of the documentary running live on RT about the Chicago grain market. This reminds me so much of the Bible narritive I explained in another post about the Joseph story. During the seven years of plenty Joseph built up huge grain reserves, and then sold the grain over the years of famine for all the possession that the Egyptians had. This meant the state owned everything.

Yup I bet everyone who had to sell up was very angry, and quite rightly so. The Bible stories we were told as children, and the Christianity we have been spoon fed even in this age is a one sided narrative! I am sure we have the same problem with the Vatican Bank in this era. I am not particularily into conspiricy stuff, just History.

When it gets to the point where only a very few players control the whole world and it's productivity, assets and consumables, there is a natural swing towards entropy. I would suggest that there are some creative solutions regarding genuine fair play before the whole system collapses.

I quite like the idea of giving people negative inflation loans! By this I mean a loan at say minus 1-5% depending on how quickly they can pay it back. If they can pay the loan back in 1 year, give them a %5 discount, and reduce the % to loan term over 5 years. If over 10 years then keep the loan rat at  +1% for the following 5 Years. Yes it means that you get back on paper less than you lent! however if inflation comes down your buying power with the repayment installments of the loan becomes more powerful.

People who have money on deposit then don't need 'interest', as their 'money' has more buying power.
This comes from the Parable of the Tennents.

I wonder how economists ever get the idea going and getting a degree makes them any more savvy.
Try running a small business for 15 years in a competitive overburdened marketplace!

I did this yesterday morning. It seems like a bit of graffiti to me. Sometimes I just freewheel and let out whatever my hand draws on to paper. I guess this is what other people call 'automatic writing'. I did those little pictures for the childrens stories in the same way. I have five more I did at the same time, but I haven't done stories for them yet.

I like the way the 'E' wraps round the canvass edge. I thought it was meant to be son ombre, but it sorted itself into something like son ompre.

I also found myself looking at the 'R' this morning and thinking about how much the world uses 'revenge' in this day and age. All that litigation!

Cutting losses and moving on is a better model for me, it causes too much heartache and illness to persue the injustice of fraudulent people. I just never do business with them again.

I have often been stuck with very unfair situations. However bitter a pill may taste, sometimes swallowing it is the only way to get better. Talking of which, I will go and take my meds before watching Max Kaiser!

I can't get away with being that manic! Rats!

Everything seems to be fine with the new medication I am taking on top of my full dose of mood stabilisers. Good stuff these neuro blockers. I watched the Kaiser report yesterday and made a couple of comments in my usual random sort of way. I am very surprised at how quickly my comments get put straight on to the page, perhaps my Laptop has bugs as well as weevils.

Yes, my Laptop has weevils! They don't come out very often. They look the same as book weevils! They don't bother me and I don't bother them. I assume they don't get squashed when I am typing.

Anyway I just spent over two weeks in the psychiatric ward to help me get my head sorted out after dealing with those builders. I am still not ready to tackle any stressful situatons, so I am going to tidy up my spare room to do some sewing. I am undoing a sheepskin coat so I cam make other things from it. 

I bought it at a charity shop last year for £40, it seemed hardly worn at all, although some of the brown skin side looked a bit moth eaten. I am intending to make some snuggly boot liners out of the sleeves. I think I can re-design the top part of the coat into a jacket, and perhaps some sort of strange skirt with the bottom bit of the coat! You never know until you try!

Well thats me, I need to get on with it or it won't get done.

There was a jet that just flew through this lot with no vapour trail, and one has not emerged since. Another flying through as I write with a neat trail that will expand shortly. So the planes are now using an additive to fuel to create weather patterns. Let's try to be fair with them! I am sure that Africa can be seeded in famine areas to get the crops growing. Just think of it the same as the Nile Flooding! Witholding rain when it is so badly needed for people who's needs are different from your own is not a nice way to use your own resources.

I am sure air clients who are travelling from the east to west would be prepared to take an extra two to three hours on a journey to fly over a drought ridden area (if it didn't cost the earth! .. Smaller baggage allowance to compensate for the extra 'fuel weight') would be happy to give their time. I have flown over Ethiopia twice, well 4 times as we went there and back.

I have rambled about my education being self driven, however I do want to talk about my secondary school. It was a purpose built school for 400 girls. It had two of each type of Laboritory. The ethos of the school before it was destroyed by Labour politics in the 70s, was that each of us had the opportunity to reach the highest level of excellence in any field we chose to persue. The intention of the school was that every pupil who had the potential of further education would get equal opportunities. This was unheard of in the 70s!

I asked why we had to do Typing and shorthand, I didn't like it much. I was told that we were expected to be able to get jobs with Company Directors.

I had a paddy about not being able to do 3 sciences! I argued that as I wanted to go on to Vetinary College I needed all three sciences. We also had Cookery, Sewing, and Typing, Language Labs, and the first year we seemed to be given all of these lessons and then picked the ones we wanted to persue for 'O Levels'. What we did not have were any metalwork carpentry or building Labs. The Boys had those down the road at the technical college. (We couldn't do these options though). We did do drama with the Boys at sixth form, however I left at just 15.
I wanted to go and work.

Well that's not strictly true, I wanted to do Art, but my parents said as I had not done well in the school environment and was unsuitable to be left on my own as I got myself into trouble in all sorts of ways, that I had to get a job.

They would not support me financially to go on to any College. I kind of think I might have been a Tracy Emmin type, and I think one Tracy Emmin is enough! I did compare her art with iconography when I did my Lay Preachers training, which seemed pretty random to everybody at the time I did it. However I was drawing the comparison to the type of secular 'icons' the world creates for itself, and the Holy Icon of Divine Sanction. Hagiography is very complex stuff, and my hope is to persue this now I have the time to do so.

I am going to a Heritage thing this week on how to make ox gall ink, and to get a quill and how to use it!
I like the idea of writing letters like this, and sending them to people I love. I might even post one to myself, as I normally only get bills! Bills.... Feathers... Stormy petrol might be feeling a bit worried!

We also had current affairs classes, and had to read the newspapers and compare the styles and types of news editing, the way the news was presented, and track events.

Within two years our school was decimated under Labour, and this was a local comprehensive school for girls. It was state funded, yet offered everything the top private schools offered. Under Labour the school was amalgamated with the boys technical college. Any of the academic boys had already been sent to another school so we had a field of huts put up on our beautiful playing fields. There were only two girls in the Physics class, and we had to sit at the back. The girl who did physics with me copied everything I did, and the teacher always thought it was the other way round! Yup my experiments usually worked which p....d him off a treat! I got grade 2 at 'O level' I think the highest the boys got was a 4, and I am pretty sure the other girl failed.... Surving the system is what this lesson is all about!

The model I would use is a combination of technical college and academic, so that pupils who excell in one subject academically can do well, and suppliment this with a skill, so that when they can't get a job in an academic feild can get one in building or hotel and tourism.

The reason the UK has to import so many skilled restaurant staff from europe is because table manners and restaurant culture has been so decimated by sitting in front of the TV while eating food from plastic containers, which by the time they are microwaved are about as dangerous to health as an atom bomb on time delay. Most people start eating their food immediately it comes out of the microwave and it is cooking their gut as and mouth as it goes down. (Because they don't have to chew gooo food).

If a child has no table manners, how will they know the proper way to serve someone else. Most young people in the UK would not be able to set for a 3 course meal. I would put this on the curriculum as an option from the age of 12. Top waiting staff get paid big bucks, why should we have to imort all our top restaurant and hotel staff from abroad?

The other loss through 'Political Correctness' is the Saturday Job. We all had to earn our own 'pocket money' from the age of 12 with a paper round, and 14 with a Saturday Job. If you didn't do it you just had no money. Also the life experience of a work ethic of turning up on time, in some semblance of order was invaluable.

We didn't get paid very much but the lifelong learning skills of staff room politics, being told off by an employer, sacked, promoted.. etc; in my opinion is invaluable as a testing ground for the real thing. Now all the beaurocracy surrounding youth employment makes it impossible for willing employers in the retail and service sector to give these opportunities. £20 for an 8 hour Saturday job is enough payment, from the age of 14. It's the soft skills you have to learn in life before you can put education into use!

Why £20 you ask? So that they learn the concept of saving and money management!

My Husband went to Westminster College to do His Hotel and Catering Course, He had worked at a top hotel as a kitchen porter for a year before he went. I am very proud of Him. We had a great time in this industry! We met incredible people, had lots of parties, got spoiled rotten, and made friends. I also got to make some wonderful frocks to wear! Now I don't have anywhere posh to go so I don't make frocks any more... well I just might when I get around to it.

Well I am off to do some gardening. Why not just educate to a high standard at 16, and then get these kids in work and offer funded open university as lifelong learning for those interested.

I am saying this twice. The Saturday Job teaches a child from the age of 14 the value of money. It isn't slave labour to expect a young person of 14 to turn up on time for work. Get back from Lunch on time, learn staff room politics, and stay late if the work has not been finished to a good standard. Hairdressing salons were a fantastic place to learn these skills. Also the local high street shops. This also goes on their CV, and is valuable for further

I want to do Iconography and Orthodox Theology, so I need to sort out some finances over the next year or so to fund it.

I am impressed that in such a short period of time people from these movements all over the world are putting themselves foreward for elections. I would advocate a psychometric test though for each candidate. Just to ensure they have the kind of personality that can withstand the pressure they will be put under.

Changing long held power structures is not an easy task. Those in power have held it for so long, without a considerable number of electees coming foreward, of high calibre, for the next elections down your way... unfortunately these people will ged squashed in the process. I would also think there needs to be non party affiliation, as most countries who have party politics have excellent Candidates who don't get into power. There have been periods of natonal emergency in many countries where party politics have been suspended in national emergencies.

I am not going to ramble on about other countries politics, as everyone has their own economic and political vision for themselves.