I remember Him saying that I needed to come and see His Vicar. I was told that I had to say this prayer to become a Christian. Being a bit on the sceptical range, I said Ok, but if Jesus is real He had better prove it to me. Well, I often wonder if that was a mistake...
I was overwhelmed by this presence. Especially after having an anaesthetic. So much so I thought I was Jesus. Perhaps I was so immersed in Christ I lost my sense of self.
So what’s the point? Not sure realy, but I was told not to get pregnant if I was taking psychiatric medicine. I would have a deformed child. Took about fifteen years to overcome this desperate need to have babies. I don’t know how my Husband managed to cope with me.
He kept saying I married you for you, not for babies. It didn’t help, I just felt a failure. A complete failure as a human being. Then it realy registered one day this was how Sarah felt. She hadn’t had a baby with Abraham. Somehow this made it OK. I still find Mother’s Day painful, but since the understanding of Sarah’s Grief, God gave me peace about not having babies. So we got a dog.
We have been through so many difficulties during our Marriage. Health, financial, loss of security, loss of everything in one way or another. Except Love. The reading for our wedding was from Corinthians, about Love. We still have blinding rows, and then it’s all as though nothing was realy important. My Husband has a gift of Love. He loves me just as I am. Just as God loves me. Yes I chat a lot more to God, but I love to cook for my Husband.
I am busy sorting out my Garden at the Moment. Moving plants, moving earth around. It all looks a mess, but I have plans for it all. I just need to get these ideas sorted, and the do some heavy lifting. I have a thing of beauty in mind, and a place to sit and enjoy with my Husband and our friends.
I guess that is what God is doing with the World. His word says that all things will be put under Jesu’s Authority and then Jesus will offer all of these kingdoms and principalities to God. I think everyone is given a choice in their life. To follow a path of redemption, or to wallow in the mire of self obsession.
I suppose this website is very much a wallow in self obsession. I think perhaps it is time to leave it behind me, and get on with living life to the full. I have a lot of Gardening, dressmaking, and a real desire to start painting Icons again. I am happy to live a small life. In a small place. With whatever days God gives me.
I think this might very well be the end of this website. I will leave it online until it expires. I don’t know if I need to do any of the data protection stuff for it. The only thing I am selling is a different viewpoint, and I realy don’t think I would be answering anyone these days even if they leave comments. So yes this has been a one sided conversation.
I think I might work towards leaving modern technology behind and just try to concentrate on arty stuff a bit more. Nah, wishful thinking! I would feel a bit bereft without the News.
I suppose what I am trying to say, is that it is possible to find peace. Personal peace. Also peace between all of us. It takes revelations of ourselves. A blinding flash, or a quiet realisation that we react quicker most of the time to insults and injury we perceive others make towards us, than act from a core belief, and a standard of behaviour, morals, and guidelines that act as a governor and moderator of our thoughts and actions.
I think I have been very wrong in so many things. Humanly I would never forgive myself. I ask Jesus to come along side me and show me what I have done wrong, I can truly repent of those things, it’s not easy, but when I do, I relax inside, I sigh in relief, and I feel close to Jesus. And I get to talk to God. I also start to feel at peace.
It is a mystery.